[sebbie]

Part LVI

So, guys begin their journeys into young adulthood facing a lot of complicated stuff. They are being bombarded with content from the media that communicates that adult-type male sexuality is almost exclusively about getting to the point in a relationship such that a guy can have sex with a partner. Yet, growing up, meeting someone, and somehow getting close enough to that person such that having a sexual relationship with the other human being is a long ways off, if possible at all.

I would suggest very strongly that many guys muddle through their adult lives without ever really fully resolving this puzzle. Some guys seem to have an easier time of it—these are the guys who for whatever reason have a lot of what I call “personal charm.” Some might say that personal charm is just another way of saying “sex appeal” or even being “good looking”. But sexual attraction between two people is far too complicated a part of being human to be able to conclude that this is all about the genetics of physical attractiveness. Part of this has to do with the physical, for both sexes (many women like to claim that in males the physical hardly matters at all, but of course that is not true either).

Real estate agents like to claim that “there is a buyer for every house!” Using that analogy one would also conclude that there is a sexual partner out there for every human being, no matter how much or how little personal charm or physical attractiveness a person has. But, of course, neither statement is entirely true.

If this were all simple, every guy would be happily married to a woman (no gay married men in perfect land for sure!) and each guy would be living with his wife and two kids in a 3-bedroom house with an 80 foot wide lot in the suburbs of some cookie cutter city, each place all but indistinguishable from all the others. He is happily living there with his stay-at-home wife and the almost obligatory 2.4 kids. This is an imaginary 1950s world where the big problems have all been solved and when the guy has sex and gets to ejaculate, it is always penis-vagina sex with his wife perhaps once each week.

The problem with all of this is it is not the real world, and if we were to admit it, this probably wasn’t the real world even back in the 1950s. All sorts of other stuff is going on, stuff that has always been (some might say, conveniently) hidden from view.

I love watching cable shows that deal with the science of space and time. These shows keep talking about an intriguing idea that says the universe is composed of stuff that we can easily see, because it emits light. But there is other stuff in the universe that we cannot see, because it emits no light, and worse, it seems to be able to pass right through the stuff we can see without in any way revealing itself. Weirdly, there may be more of this “dark matter” that we cannot see than the stuff we can see.

What does this idea have to do with the science of male sexuality? Well, for starters, any male post-puberty is likely going to be jacking off quite regularly, sexual partner or not. The urge to ejaculate in males is so powerful that it cannot be ignored. And, as a consequence, every guy is going to have to develop his own particular way of dealing with where he is in this respect.

For guys, the stuff you see in the movies and on line is largely focused on techniques for engaging a sexual partner. This is OK if you conveniently have a sexual partner. Remember the guy living in the 3-bedroom house in the suburbs with the wife and kids. The guy in the suburban home with his wife and kids is analogous to the stuff in the universe that we can all readily see.

But then there is this other place, the so-called “dark matter” of male sexuality that every guy needs to learn how to cope with and even enjoy. This entire subject remains a mystery for a lot of women in particular, because they were taught by their moms (who, in turn were taught by their moms) that for straight guys at least the female is the centerpiece of a guy’s sexual focus and pleasure. The mere thought of a guy enjoying his own body alone does not compute, except I guess in the context of believing that this is something only guys who lack access to a sexual partner might do as an inferior means of getting off when a guy is desperate for sex.

So, we have several things going on here. 1. Guys masturbate, alone, regularly, to the point that the average might be 50 solo-sex ejaculations for every single act of partner sex, but 2. Most guys try to keep this behavior deeply hidden from anyone else whether that someone else is a parent, sibling, peer classmate, a dorm roommate or the female you had the date with on Friday night—or even your wife or live-in girlfriend. In our society real intercourse is so valued that a guy dare not admit to doing anything else in order to arouse oneself and ejaculate. Growing up, a guy increasingly values a degree of privacy just for this purpose. Going to college with a male roommate makes the quest for privacy even more important. A logical question is “how is my male roommate going to navigate this?” but a guy almost never dares actually blurt out that question, for fear that a host of even more complicated questions could logically arise from that one.

Too, as a guy gets only a little older, the objective shifts from seeing how fast you can make it from flaccid penis to full scale hard-on to powerful ejaculation to an alternative mode in which the guy takes more time to get there while still remaining quite aroused. Every guy knows that the complete inability to delay orgasm via mind control only occurs rather late in the process, and learning how to delay orgasm while remaining for an extended period of time in a highly aroused state can be extraordinarily enjoyable to learn and do. This can be fun stuff!

What does all of this have to do with swim briefs, compression gear, tighty whiteys, jock straps etc? I’m sure you have all been wondering about that. Each of these items a guy might find useful if he is interested in maintaining himself for extended periods of time in a semi-aroused state. A snug-fitting garment of your choice may have a “nasty” but fascinating way of keeping a guy semi-focused on his own groin area and sexual organs and in the process create some fun and interesting sensations that are more than worth experiencing.

But since this all has nothing to do with sex with a partner, and further, admitting that a guy does this could suggest that you lack enough personal charm to even be able to find a sexual partner, you dare not admit to anyone what you are doing in your efforts. That means nothing can be revealed to your parents, siblings, peer classmates, or certainly not the girl you (sorta) like in school. And, most certainly, NOT to your college dorm roommate. Except, of course, last night your roommate may have observed that you pulled out a colored brief from your dresser drawer and got into what looked to him like a little swim brief and then pulled on a pair of long-legged sleeping pants just before you crawled into bed. Your roommate might have observed this but said nothing. You sleep well, while occasionally touching your body snug inside the swim brief “down there”. You suspect your roommate might be wondering why you dressed the way you did just to go to bed. You think to yourself that if you pull on a strap before putting on your sleeping pants he might find this even weirder.

Oh well. The next day you wake up refreshed and ready to tackle whatever the world throws at you! Early that morning the swim brief gets tossed in the laundry bag but the sleeping pants somehow are still clean. It is important to act nonchalant as if nothing at all has happened.

To be continued…