[sebbie]

Part X

So guys enter puberty thinking that the way to deal with the urge to ejaculate is to find that allows a guy to get this all over with in private but as quickly as possible. Indeed, a guy is a better male if he can go from feeling only slightly horny to a full-scale hard-on followed by a strong ejaculation in a record-setting time, a couple minutes or even less from start to finish. Part of this is tied to the old problem of fear—fear of discovery, mainly, and being accidentally discovered by anyone else could bring on a host of difficult issues to try and deal with. And then there is always the problem that traces of what has happened may be readily apparent, and that becomes another problem of concern and potential embarrassment.

What is a guy to do, anyway? Most guys probably deal with this problem (and it is a problem) by “training” themselves to go through the processes as quickly as they can, the faster everything happens the fewer risks are involved. They delude themselves into thinking that getting off in a record-setting time is somehow the most masculine way to be!

This is all fascinating in part because adult sexuality and particularly sex with a partner is really all about unlearning being super speedy about all of this. In the adult world, the slower the better, not the faster the better. So once a guy reaches young adulthood, what matters is learning how to sustain arousal and an erection for as long a period of time as possible not set some new world record time-wise. What guy in this world would want to be in a date with a girl and be at the point where she is ready for real intercourse and the guy is so hot and bothered that he ejaculates into his underwear long before he could engage in actual intercourse (entry). Talk about embarrassing!

This problem often haunts couples right into marriage. The medical term for all of this is “premature ejaculation” which is highlighted when the woman says that her male partner invariably ejaculates long before she is ready to have an orgasm. Premature ejaculation can often be categorized as a “learned behavior” that is learned in part by growing up with a deep-seated fear that for a host of reasons, a guy needs to move from initial arousal to ejaculation as quickly as possible and somehow in a male-female relationship the female will see the guy as being “more of a guy” if he can get off very quickly. The problem of course is that what seemed to work at age 14 is probably what doesn’t work at all in a serious relationship at age 21.

Indeed, even if you are not engaging in partner sex, learning how to masturbate slowly can be a useful skill to have as even masturbation is a lot more fun if you are not trying to set any time records. I realize that a lot of guys spend a lot of time worrying about what it means to get horny inside a snug-fitting garment such as a jock strap or a swim brief, and a lot of guys deep down worry that some items might end up inadvertently make them feel horny, and how they will cope if they somehow find themselves in a situation like this.

Yet, at the same time, the right (not wrong) snug-fitting garment (you tell me what specifically you like that “does” this for you), can be a useful aid in learning how to get your mind and body to get off, but at a leisurely pace, and in particular, if you are setting about what you thought were skills that you learned at age 14 about how to go from initial arousal to ejaculation in record setting time, the very skill you do NOT want to have in a sexual relationship with a partner.

A lot of complicated stuff comes up here. The sex therapists might regard any guy who likes to get off inside a snug-fitting garment of any sort as having some sort of a clothing fetish for that garment and something of an abnormality of sorts that needs to be “beaten back” through some sort of counseling labeled as sexual therapy. I would argue that doing this is quite normal to have happen for most if not nearly all guys. But then these same sex therapists traditionally have placed male-female intercourse on a pedestal as being superior to any other way of getting off, and prior to the 1970s even deemed gay partner sex as an abnormality that should be treated as a health issue if not a disease of some sort.

One of the neat things about being a gay male in a relationship is that your partner will have grown up facing much the same set of issues with respect to dealing with arousal, orgasms. If you are lucky your male partner will have dealt with an array of what I call snug-fitting garment issues as well and the two of you can run some experiments together. In a sexual relationship with a female partner the male is constantly dealing with a completely different and at least a complicated sexual universe which is at the core of how females experience sex versus males. Worse, the poor guy is constantly dealing with what the female learned from her mother about how male sexuality works, and a lot of this stuff is not right at all or correct in only a very limited way.

To be continued…